Return of the milk maid

Wow – it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged, but I’m back! Life has changed a lot in the last couple of months and I’m pretty sure it’s all for the best. I’ve accumulated lots of stories to share in the next couple of posts!

Hadley is just over 7 months now and it seems like mommyhood is just getting more and more awesome.

I am very proud to report that Hadley was exclusively breastfed for 6 months. It wasn’t easy, but we did it! I had so much support from my husband, family, friends, and one particular friend who is also up at 3am most days I know every nursing experience is different, but I worked darn hard to pump all that milk and I want credit.

Nursing and pumping is still going strong, with added curveballs. A few months back Hadley developed a rash that wouldn’t go away, which led to blood tests and seeing an allergist. First we discovered an egg allergy, which was a relatively easy fix. We met with an allergist and the list grew to eggs, milk, dust and cats. The allergist recommended cutting peanuts and tree nuts as well to prevent future allergies. In the course of a 2 hour visit, my world was turned upside down.

It reminded me of the day my low risk pregnancy turned into a high risk pregnancy with the threat of an emergency c-section looming over my head for 5 weeks. I walked into the allergist’s office with an easy going, healthy baby. I walked out with a highly allergic child and overwhelming dietary restrictions. I don’t eat anything without reading a label and carry an EpiPen. Life is different.

The allergist, though happy to hear Hadley was mostly breastfed (she “eats” solids for fun) dared to utter the F word as her first solution. A few months ago, I probably would have cried. This time, I said “No. That’s not an option.” As long as I was willing to cut eggs, milk (and all dairy products), peanuts and tree nuts out of my diet, Hadley would be fine. A week in, and it’s not easy but her rash is gone and that means the restricted diet is worth all of the effort. On the upside, I lost 5 pounds! For those keeping a list of Hadley’s allergies, we were told we could keep the cats for now.

Parenting is about sacrifice, and being a nursing, working, pumping mama means sacrificing a whole lot. It’s amazing to me that as soon as the going gets tough, most people expect the sacrificing to end. Giving up sleep is normal and most people understand that for the first few months. After that, rough nights are followed by suggestions of switching to formula so you can get 8 hours of shut eye. It’s normal to sacrifice your body, but the expectation is that you return it to its pre-baby glory. “Oh, you’re nursing – the weight will just fall off!” Well, I’m 7 months in and for the first time dropped below my weight at my 2 week postpartum checkup – by half a pound. Let’s not even talk about my breasts being a milk delivery device and not sexual objects.

It seems that food allergies push many people over the edge. I could switch to soy formula and that would also solve Hadley’s problems, but to me that was never an option. I would do anything to continue to breastfeed – absolutely anything. At this stage is about far more than nutrition. My identity is wrapped up in it, my life revolves around it, and I would do anything to protect my ability to nurse Hadley. I am a nursing mother. Cutting out a majority of the foods I eat is just one more hurdle; one more sacrifice I make for my daughter.

Stay tuned for more fun stories!

Tags: allergies, egg allergy, milk allergy, nursing, pumping, restricted diet

I love Fridays

Ok, I know today is Thursday, but I am off tomorrow so today is my Friday.

I rarely have anything good to say about pumping.  Most of the time I consider it a necessary evil.  So today I’m going to write about how much I love pumping – on Fridays.

Fridays never really seem like a work day to me.  I get to wear jeans and sneakers and I usually spend the day finishing up projects and cleaning off my desk.  And, I get out early!  Now that I pump, it adds one more fun aspect to the day.  My pumping totals on Friday don’t matter.  I only pump to stay on schedule and relieve engorgement.   All the pressure is off and I don’t have to think about totals.  It’s just awesome.  There’s always some milk left over from the work week, so I use that and my Friday milk for two bottles on the weekend for Saturday and Sunday morning.  My amazing husband does the 6am feeding on the weekend so I get to sleep in until 7:30.  When I wake up I am so engorged that I run to my pump and it’s a pleasurable experience.  I usually get 5-7 ounces (once I got 8!) and that makes me feel awesome about myself.  My Saturday and Sunday milk gives me enough for Mondays bottles and usually a few ounces extra so I don’t have to dip into my freezer stash every week.

The weekends give my boobs an opportunity to recalibrate to Hadley’s needs.  Hadley seems like she’s latched from Friday night to Monday morning, and I actually love it.  In reality she’ll go 75-90 minutes between feedings on average, unless she’s sleeping.  I get to use my Moby Wrap and cuddle and figure out all the new things Hadley can do.  We slow down and just enjoy being a family.

When I go back to work Monday morning, I don’t dread the work week or feel guilty about leaving my daughter.  I know that I spent the weekend giving her my complete attention and that I made the most of every minute we spent together.

Tags: cuddle, engorgement, family time, Friday, Moby Wrap, monday morning, necessary evil, relax, saturday and sunday, weekend, weekend pumping

“I know how that is” and other crazy things people say

Throughout my pregnancy and new mommy-hood I have heard the phrase, “I know how that is” way too much.  Let me be the first to tell you that no, you don’t know.  Quit trying to be helpful and try to actually help by listening to what I’m saying.

When I told my HR Director at work about my pregnancy and my severe case of hyperemises her response was, “Oh, I now how that is.  I had that too.  It’s horrible, but at least you feel better after you throw up.”  Actually, no, you don’t feel better, but thanks for devaluing my illness.  I don’t care if you thought you had hyperemises or actually had it – there’s no way you know right now how I’m feeling because you’re not me.  Because of her assumption, I was judged (and even reprimanded) for taking a leave of absence until I could operate as a normal, albeit pregnant, human being.

Today I found out that Harvard Pilgrim does not cover lactation consultants after 6 weeks or hospital grade pumps for women who aren’t separated from their newborns.  So when the going gets tough, quit and switch to formula.  I called in to complain and offer up reasons why they should cover everything related to breastfeeding.  The representative I spoke to responded to my situation with, “I know how that is.  I breastfed twins and it was such a struggle returning to work after 16 months.”  Yes, I bet that was hard, but you don’t know how it is to be in my situation just like I can’t imagine how hard it is to breastfeed twins.  Going back to work at 8 weeks (the maximum leave allowed by MA Maternity Leave Act) is world’s different than going back at 16 months.  Instead of pretending you understand my situation, why don’t you just take down my information.  I’d be happy to provide the insurance company with an outside viewpoint of the services nursing/working mothers need.

Given the AAP recommends exclusively breastfeeding for at least six months, why do I have to fight for services and pay out of pocket?  Breastfeeding will decrease Hadley’s risk of obesity and food allergies throughout her life.  Breastfed babies are healthier in the short term and long term.   If you need  proof of this, my friend’s entire household has a stomach bug from hell yet she and her breastfed son are completely healthy.    Take that, germs!

So, I’ll continue to fight.  I hope other mothers do the same.

Tags: APA, breastfeeding, customer service, empathy, harvard pilgrim, insurance, lactation consultant

The Pains of Sleep Regression

If you know me, you know that I had a horrible, horrible pregnancy.  I made a deal with the soon-to-be Hadley: she could make me as miserable as she wanted inside the womb, as long as she was near perfect on the outside.  To my surprise, Hadley spent her first 16 weeks following this agreement.  She wasn’t perfect, but she was pretty darn close.  This made me and Jim happy, well-rested parents who would happily rattle off our baby’s perfect sleep habits to anyone who would listen.

Well, I am eating my words.  I hope you’re happy.

Hadley was a good sleeper almost from birth.  Actually, I think she was a good sleeper in the womb since I required 10 weeks of bed rest during the pregnancy to keep her happy.  She mostly slept in three hour shifts from day one.  We struggled getting her to sleep in the co-sleeper, so around 7 days old she slept in her crib in her room.  Most nights (from what I remember) she would sleep in three hour increments.  Then came shifts of 4 hours, 3 hours, 2 hours with feedings in between.  At six weeks she slept 9.5 hours straight through the night and it really freaked me out.  By 8 weeks this was more common.  By 10 weeks she was sleeping 9-5, about five nights a week.

During the holidays when Jim was home with her during the day we noticed that she would take a morning nap of a few hours.  I decided we needed to move her bedtime to 7pm so she could get 11 hours of sleep followed by 1-2 short naps at home and in the car before I went to work.  To do this we would move her bedtime back a half hour each night.  The first night we tried this, Hadley decided she wanted to go to bed at 7.  That was easy.  A strict 7pm bedtime for my perfect baby and no mid-night feedings.  I got so. much. sleep.  It was wonderful.

That’s all gone now, and I miss it.  After Hadley’s latest growth spurt, sleep regression entered my vocabulary.  It started off small – a 3:30am feeding one night.  Then it was a 1am feeding and a 5am wake up.  Then there was the night of misery: she was up every two hours.  Things have gotten better – she still goes to sleep around 7pm and most nights only wakes up once to feed.  Last night it was twice and it was the first time I’ve broken down after a feeding in a couple of months.  It is really hard to do everything required of me on 2 hour (or less) blocks of sleep.  For me, breastfeeding has always been exhausting, even when Hadley was sleeping 11 hours through the night.  It takes a lot of my energy to produce all that milk and napping isn’t an option.  I want my perfect baby back.

This whole sleep regression thing is killing my pumping schedule.   Since she’s eating 1-2 times a night, I’m not as full in the mornings.  She’s eating more during the day – which is great – but it means I have to increase my pumping to meet her demand.  I keep myself awake to pump at 9:30pm and have found that session to have dwindling totals.  After the 3:30am feeding I tried to pump from the breast she didn’t nurse, but got practically nothing.  I pumped after the 6:30am feeding and couldn’t even get a let down.  I think it’s time to reach out to a lactation consultant to see what else I can be doing and to see about using a hospital grade pump.  It’s scary to pump and get nothing.   I know that if I don’t do something to change it, there is a real risk of not being able to provide exclusively breast milk.

Though I’m sleep deprived and that makes me miserable, I am trying to focus on the positive.  Hadley still sleeps in blocks of 3-5 hours, which is a lot better than what I’m reading online.  She has the ability to get herself back to sleep so we are only getting up with her if she’s upset and that’s usually because she’s hungry.  I nurse her and she goes back to sleep right away.  More eating means more growing, and that’s just awesome.  This is an exciting time for Hadley – the world is new and exciting and every day she is gaining ability.  And, it finally gives me something to ask my pediatrician about at our four month checkup at the end of the week.  I’m sure she will be excited to finally be able to give us some advice.

So what do you think – is this really sleep regression or just a big growth spurt (with a cold mixed in)?  Are there any sleep regression horror stories you’d like to share with me that will show me I have nothing to complain about?  For those readers who pumped/are pumping what tricks did you use to increase your output during growth spurts?

 

Tags: breakdown, four months, lactation consultant, nursing, pumping, sick baby, sleep regression, sleeping through the night

It’s not about how much you pump

My least favorite saying is “It’s not about how much you pump – it’s how often.”  What great advice from someone who has probably never pumped.  For me, it IS about how much I pump.  My entire self worth is tied up in how many ounces I get.  If I pump and get less than two ounces, I feel like a failure.  That feeling leads me to crazy thoughts like my milk is drying up.

Everybody is different.  I get that.  I have noticed that I produce around 3 ounce of pump-able milk every three hours, between the two sides.   I can nurse whenever I need to (usually ever 75-120 minutes) and Hadley finds a way to get enough.  If I try to pump more often, I end up with the same total at the end of the day, so why bother?

On Tuesday (when I was nervous I wouldn’t have enough milk to get through the week) I pumped six times and nursed six times over the course of the day.   I pumped the full side after a 4:30am feeding (so much for sleeping through the night), every two hours at work and then again at 9:30pm.  My grand total was 12 ounces.  Twelve.  All that work for such a (relatively) small amount of milk.  Three of those ounces came at 4:30 and I produced a total of seven ounces over the four sessions at work – never more than two ounces at a time.  I got two more ounces for the night session.  If I pumped on this schedule every day for two weeks would it increase my milk supply?  Maybe.  But why put that much pressure on myself?

In contrast, I pumped three times at work yesterday (my usual schedule) and produced 8.5 ounces.  Yep, half the pumping sessions and almost the same result.  Actually, if you take away the 3 ounces I got at 4:30am on Tuesday, I got a half ounce less with three sessions than with five.  That’s some crazy math.  Maybe advice givers and Medela would like to throw a conference to think of other ways to make pumping mothers feel crappy about themselves.

So lactation consultants and advice-givers, stop pretending that the amount of milk doesn’t matter.  I’m sure there are some women who need to pump more to boost their supply, and they should listen to you.  But for the rest of us, validate our frustration when we’re staring at a bottle with less than two ounces in it.  Remind us that our bodies know what to do.  And please don’t mention “drop in milk supply” – it really stresses us out.

Tags: lactation consultants, milk supply, pumping, working mother

On returning to work

Returning to work was a very easy decision to make.  Not only do we need two incomes but I need to work.  I am happy to say that I have only dealt with minimal “mommy guilt” regarding this decision because I know that happy Mommies have happy babies.  My sister-in-law (who has raised four amazing kids) watches Hadley during the day so I have zero worries and I get to continue furthering my career working at a non-profit.

The most difficult part of returning to work, and the one that stressed me out before Hadley was even born, was figuring out how to pump, when to pump, and how much milk I needed to pump.  I read a variety of books, magazines, and websites about breastfeeding before Hadley was born.  It seems to me that most pumping advice on the web ends up just being advertisements for pumps.  The more I read, the more confused I got about the logistics of breastfeeding and pumping.  Do you pump on both sides or just one?  What about pumping – when do you squeeze that in?  Do I freeze all the milk or just some?  When do I introduce a bottle?  OMG NIPPLE CONFUSION!!!  After reading all I could read, I decided that breastfeeding was something to be learned on the job.

Jim and I did attend one class on breastfeeding offered by a neighboring hospital.  My hospital had discontinued their breastfeeding class due to budget cuts.  At the beginning of the class we went around giving our names, due dates, and expected return to work date (if any).  I knew that 8 weeks maternity leave was going to be less than most, but was shocked when I was the only person in the class taking less than four months; most were taking almost a year (oh the life of a grad student).  The nurse teaching the course made sure to tell the whole class that I would have a hard time continuing to breastfeed since I was going back to work so early.  Luckily I was up for the challenge.

In later posts I’ll go into more detail about Hadley’s bottle aversion, but for now we’ll just say that Hadley prefers nursing over any other form of feeding.

I started pumping when Hadley was roughly four weeks old.  At first the hardest part was figuring out when to pump since Hadley seemed attached to one breast or the other for most of the day.  I managed to pump at least once a day and I aimed to freeze 5 ounces and get one two ounce bottle over the course of two days.  I went to a lactation drop in group and was told I shouldn’t pump any more than that because I would risk making too much milk.  So, I dialed back. I wish I hadn’t.  If you’re going back to work (especially full time) having too much milk is a great problem to have!

Here’s what no one tells you about pumping.

-It’s a pain in the ass.  Who designed these things?  I use the Medela Pump In Style.  There are four parts to the pump, including the bottle, plus tubing, and the giant bag the pump is in.  There is this really annoying tiny rubber flap that fits into another small piece that sits in the connector.  It has fallen down my disposal numerous times.  Why not make it all one piece???  All of these parts (minus tubing and bag) need to be cleaned after each use.  So in order to pump I need five minutes to set up and five minutes to clean up.  Every time.  Pain in the ass.  [side note: since breast milk doesn't need to be refrigerated for 6-10 hours I just wipe down the parts at work and wash and sterilize at the end of the day.  Big time saver]

-You need three hands to get the job done.  The first time I pumped I needed Jim to turn the machine on, hit the let-down button and turn the machine off.  Not once did before that session did I realize that double pumping meant needing a third hand.  Ultimately I learned how to get the breast shield to stay in place by using my bra, but it was a rough learning curve.

-Your pump, no matter how much you spent on it, will never be as efficient at getting milk out as your baby.  There are good parts to this: I can pump and then nurse in a shorter amount of time than I thought (especially good since Hadley would always wake up from a nap when I started pumping) and bad parts to this: I KNOW THERE’S STILL MILK IN THERE!

-If you’re a Medela user, don’t pump directly into the bags at first.  The first time I pumped I did it directly into the bags using the handy adapters they include in every freakin’ box of bags.  2.5 ounces in each bag.  That’s incredible.  I am a master of the milk.  I defrosted that milk a month later and found that each bag ACTUALLY contained half an ounce, or one ounce total.  I was heartbroken, but did feel better about only getting three ounces total for every other session up to that point.

-Medela bottles lie.  I pump and pump for three let downs.  I look at the bottles and there is two ounces in each.  Hooray, four ounces!  I pour it all into one bottle to store it and now there’s only three ounces.  Medela you lie.  Way to make me feel crappy about myself.

-In order to pump enough milk for your day, you may need to pump first thing when you wake up.  For me, this was a lovely 5am pumping session.  You think pumping isn’t fun three times a day?  Well it really sucks at 5am.  This meant I was waking up at 5 to pump, feeding Hadley at 5:30, feeding her again at 7:30 when I dropped her off for the day, and then pumping again at 8:30 so I could squeeze three pumping sessions into my work day.  That’s right, that’s four feedings/pumpings in a four hour period.  And boy were my boobs tired.

-There is no good way to prepare your breasts for going back to work.  The shock to your system will result in less milk, but if you work hard and pump at 5am and 9pm and three times a day at work, you’ll get through it.  Providing exclusively breast milk to Hadley was my #1 priority, and I will still do anything I need to in order to make it happen.

-Everyone you talk to will tell you to switch to formula – and they will consider it good advice.  “Formula’s not so bad.  We all had it and turned out just fine.”  “You gave it a good shot, but you just can’t control everything.”  These were some of the incredibly NOT HELPFUL words of wisdom I got from 99% of family and friends.  If you’re reading this and struggling through that first week back (or three months in), let me tell you that you can do it.  Break into your freezer stash, pump a million times a day, pump on weekends, do what you need to do, but don’t give up.

Did I leave anything out?  What were some of your experiences with learning how to pump or going back to work?

Stay tuned in the next few days as I post some of the incredibly hilarious stories of my adventures in pumping.

Tags: breastfeeding, lactation, medela, nipple confusion, pumping, working mother

First Post – Clever Title

I’m not much a writer, so bear with me on this adventure.

I got the urge this morning to start a blog because I couldn’t find anyone on the web (or on the first page of a Google search) willing to share their experiences – good, bad and ugly – of nursing, pumping, and working during the first year.   My darling daughter, Hadley, is now 15 weeks old and I pat myself on the back every week for providing exclusively breast milk thus far, with plans to continue.  Nursing is hard.  Pumping is hard.  Working is hard.  Put them together and every day feels like an unsolvable math equation.

This week Hadley is going through a major growth spurt.  I started the week with such confidence in my ability to meet her milk needs without having to dip into my freezer stash, but the worry is creeping back in.  I had 18 ounces of milk that had accumulated Friday through Sunday and was thrilled that for one week I would worry about my milk supply.  I was so cocky that I didn’t even bring my pump home Monday night – the first time in 5 weeks.

I got fancy new water bottles (BPA free, of course) to store the milk in since bags were expensive, not big enough to store a day’s worth of milk, and mostly acted as a middle man.  And, ever since I spilled 8 ounces of hard-pumped milk in November during my first week back to work, I was constantly worried that I will spill a portion of the next day’s milk.  I poured my accumulated milk from the bags and Medela bottles in my fridge (none more than three days old) and couldn’t help but smile at how it all looked in the new bottle.  So. Much. Milk.

I track the milk I get from pumping sessions like most companies track sales.  After a good session I always tell my husband, Jim (and usually friend/new mom/nursing buddy Hannah) my total and wait patiently for a “Congratulations!”  I take pictures of the output after a good pumping session so I can go back and revel in what I was able to produce.  Our chit chat while making dinner usually involves how much I pumped – session by session and total and how much Hadley consumed – session by session and total.  The two never cancel each other out.  Only once have I pumped enough during one day of pumping at work to meet Hadley’s needs for the next day.  And, even then, I broke into a fridge stash to ensure she had extra.

No matter how much I pump, or how often, I worry about whether it was enough.  When I was home with Hadley on maternity leave, I always wondered if I was nursing enough, if she was growing enough, if she was meeting her recommended daily intake.  It took me a while to learn that I wasn’t going to get her on any kind of nursing schedule and that was OK.  Nursing on demand is what you’re supposed to do.  Now that I’m back at work, she has to take bottles of expressed milk each day and that gives me two numbers to obsess over.

Tags: breast milk, breastfeeding, growth spurt, new mom, nursing, pumping, working mother